


Practice Self-Deceit

by strictlyquadrilateral



Category: Silmaril (Glowfic)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 18:02:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12636309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strictlyquadrilateral/pseuds/strictlyquadrilateral
Summary: Self-editing through oaths is maybe not a great idea, even if you're careful about it.





	Practice Self-Deceit

It’s only a few days before the Valar’s Yearly check that Maitimo realizes he has feelings for Findakáno, and only a few moments more before the implications of this realization become clear.  They won’t let him keep this feeling, even as new and small as it is.  And he  _ wants _ to keep it.  Even if it’s wrong, even if he should just let it be changed.  

It’s not about Findekáno, yet.  He just wants to keep this part of himself - no, all of himself - away from the Valar.

It takes him nearly the rest of the time he has left to decide that an oath is his best option.  By then there’s even less time to make sure the wording is right, but as soon as he’s sure everything suspicious is tucked into the wording, he makes it temporary - only until there’s no great risk of being found out - and swears it as quickly and quietly as he can.

Findekáno becomes an unremarkable and uninteresting person, not worth a second glance.

The Valar come, and then they go.

The suppressed feelings return like a punch to the gut - Findekáno is incredible, wonderful - 

Maitimo curls into himself for longer than he feels is justified, wondering how, even when he won’t let himself feel for Findekáno, he could ever see him as just a part of the background.

But it works.  He’s here, and feels the same as before the check.  The Valar haven’t changed a thing, and he’s still himself.

He takes a deep breath, and then another, and tells himself that he will swear the same oath in a Year.

*

He spends that Year thinking about Findekáno.  Not the whole year, but whenever he wants to, feeling safe - or at least safer - with the proof that the oath works, that he can slip his thoughts and desires right past the Valar.

And then it’s the end of the Year, and he swears in secret again, and again he doesn’t care.  He barely remembers his cousin even exists.  And then it’s over, and he remembers, and it’s just as overwhelming as before but now he recovers faster.

He’s still himself.  He’s still the same.  He’s fooled the Valar and come out of it unchanged.

He doesn’t hesitate before he tells himself that he will swear the same oath in another Year, and another, and for as many Years as necessary.

*

He’s still himself.  Unchanged.  The same as he’s always been.  He thinks this every Year, and every Year he believes it without question.  After a long enough time, it’s hard to say when his feelings about Findekáno turned entirely to  _ want _ , desperate and empty of care.

_ This is the same as I’ve always felt, _ he thinks, and believes it.

*

He almost doesn’t even notice the crowd’s reaction when he pulls Findekáno’s head up by his hair.  Findekáno is right there, right there in his hands, and he’s  _ his _ .  He won’t accept death; he’ll swear whatever he needs to, and then he’s Maitimo’s, forever.

And he swears.  Maitimo leaves him alone, then - no need to rush, now that it’s all over.

After a couple days, he orders Findekáno be cleaned up and brought to his bed.  It’s done by the time he gets there.

Findekáno is in chains, of course.  Maitimo looks at him and feels exactly what he’s felt about him for as long as he cares to remember.

_ I love you, _ he thinks, and he believes it.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Posted by request.
> 
> 2\. I was informed after I finished this that the checks were in fact every yeni and not every Year. I cannot be assed to change this, because time isn't real and I don't understand how it works.
> 
> 3\. I wrote this while half-asleep and while I think it turned out okay, it's still a little weird. Not necessarily in a bad way, just in a way that exists.


End file.
